He had been a friend. Its difficult to say, when he ceased to remain one.
One afternoon, we had been to a film festival. Four films..back to back...The first one kept us hooked. But in the next one both of us passed out.
In the middle of it,I looked at him from the corner of my eye. My heart suddenly skipped a beat. He jjust looked pristine cuute. Those big words that people use to define beauty, I kind of think, failed me, right in that moment. Then he suddenly blinked . I immediately shut my eyes. I could feel his eyes on me, even if it be for a split second. That second i knew, i had done something horrible to myself. The damage would be irreparable. Was it Love? Well, its too heavy and vague for the experience to just fit into the word.
Now I see him everyday. But we dont talk. Blame it to my overriding desire to express things that shouldnt be, in ways that kill the authenticity of expressing something so simple and obvious.
One day,I sent him flowers anonymously . He assumed the sender could be me. He tried keeping his distance. I mustered the courage to go upto him and ask, if it was only me who felt the silence. He denied the truth,obviously but dint stop at throwing the big question...."Where you the one who sent me the flowers?" I said-" No, it wasnt me. But I know who it was.(I had rehearsed this conversation time and again in my head)" He said-" Who could be this 'Filmy?(with a tint of sarcasm)'" It stung.
Long time after that he kept guessing it was me, still keeping his 'Distance'.
One fateful day, we had a tiny- winy argument over a non issue and I had to lie, again. I was tired of the lies. I realised nothing whatsoever could last on a wobbly foundation of lies. Decision was made. This night, i ll let him know.
I sen him a message. It read-"I am sorry for what happened this evening. I fell for you and messed up the whole thing. But this evening I had a word with my cousin and i am sorted out now(One of the last lies). Yes I was the one who sent those 'filmy' flowers to you. But that was only for you to have something nice for the day, to be happy about. It meant nothing else. I was hurt after knowing what i did to myself and you. I lost a friend in the process. But now I am happy out of it, certainly not ashamed to having liked you."
We havnt been talking after that. Since this place is too tiny for someone to be able to avoid someone else, it has only got more difficult for me. On one level, we are nauseatingly close all the time, and yet on another level, we are light years apart.
People have consoled me, advised me, encouraged me to believe he probably dint deserve me. But I am scared to believe, that it probably was the other way around, knowing fully well, i am Not his kind of a girl. He has his own checklist for someone to be his 'Girl'.
I havent slept well for a long long time now. I am angry, exasperated, with the whole thing.Why should it be just me? How can he be let off just like that?
I want to live my life. I have been a nice actor, but now I want to rest. It has been an agonising experience. I dont want him anymore. Or may be I dont want to want him anymore.
Love is a tedious experience...
But no regrets...its been a fine journey...
